Let's Just Be Honest...

Okay, I've had a really rough week. This past week I have cried more tears than in the last month or two combined. First of all, I'm tired. And secondly, I guess reality is once again knocking on my door. As I've been reading more and more books on the children of broken homes and how there is a lower success rate with these children, I have been overwhelmed. This past Saturday I had to attend a four-hour class for parents with minor children who are going through a divorce. I was dreading this because honestly, it's more bad news. But it wasn't as bad as it could have been, and actually it was pretty informative. And now, it's over with. Even better news. Anyway, I've been very sad lately. But thanks to God, who spoke through my friend Tammy, I've kind of pulled myself back together again. She reminded me that Kenneth's leaving has nothing to do with me. It is between he and God. Sure, I could have done things better or differently, but every wife could do things differently or better, so that is not why he left. I've really been letting the devil get to me and have been listening to him saying, "if only you'd done this... if only you'd done that..." and I just can't do that! I truly was a very patient and loving wife, and while, yes, I would have done things a little differently if I could go back, it would not have changed him, and he would probably still be choosing this. He wants a "free" lifestyle. He wants to be a teenager. Starting with his job - he's waiting tables now. He's dating a 19 year old (okay, so she had her birthday and now she's 20, but I still like to say 19). He's going to clubs and bars (which is not my scene, no offense anyone). All of his current friends are around 20 years old, and he has "given up" any of his long-term friends and pretty much his family. Does this have to do solely with me? I don't think so. But I just really needed to be reminded of that fact, so thank you, Tammy. And thank you to all of you out there who have been encouraging me. It really does mean a lot! Also, on another good news side, I sat down last week and figured out the schedule for all of my college classes that I need to take and it's not that bad! I have one year of full-time classes (12 credit hours/semester) and then 1 summer school class next year which will be two weeks, and then 1 semester of student teaching! I can do this! Hooray! It is doable! Then I will be able to get a decent job that will provide for my children and give us benefits (hooray) and I will be able to build my house! There is an end in sight, and that is exciting!

Well, I'm going to go and knit now. Just wanted to say that I'm sleepy right now and kind of cloudy, so this post may have been kind of rambly. Sorry! I'm going to add a blurb from my daily e-mail that I get from DivorceCare... This does sort of sum up how I've been feeling, but thank the Lord for healing and that I don't have to stay in this depression forever!

The pain of divorce is much deeper and more soul wrenching than most people can imagine, unless they have been through it themselves. Divorce can mean the end of your hopes and dreams, the end of your life as you have known it, a loss of control, and feelings of rejection, loneliness, and blame. There is anger, depression, helplessness, bitterness, resentment, feelings of worthlessness, and guilt. The list goes on and on.

"I was afraid that once I opened that door, the intensity of what I was feeling would break me into little pieces," says Marie. "I'd be scattered all over the floor in little tiny scraps, and I'd never be able to pull myself back together."

You will not be able to "hurry up and get over it." That is not possible. Instead, start by making a commitment to take a small step forward every day. Marie says, "Gradually God has put the pieces back together, and the pieces that I don't have anymore, the severing of the part of me that was bonded with my husband, God has healed and replaced. He's in the process of finishing that up."

"I cry to you, O LORD; I say, 'You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.' Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me" (Psalm 142:5-6).

Lord and Savior, the intensity of my emotions is unbearable. Hold me in Your strong arms. Comfort me with the comfort that only comes from You, and guide me in taking one step forward each day. Amen.