My Sweet Boy

Well, it finally happened. The day I dreaded came. I was counseled by my pastor to wait to talk with Theo about what has been happening until he asked me about it. So I've been waiting and wondering. Yesterday it came. We were driving home from school and passed a pet store. On the outside are big pictures of fish and Theo saw them and said, Mom, can we get a fish? (He's been asking for some sort of pet for the last month.) I said, well not today, but hopefully in the next few weeks. We need an aquarium first. So then he said, Well, can you buy Daddy a fish? I said if Daddy wants a fish, I'm sure he'll buy one. He said, I want to have a fish at Daddy's too. Will you please buy him a fish? I said, We'll buy one for our house and if daddy wants one for his house, he can buy one. He said, don't you want to buy him gifts anymore? I wasn't sure exactly how to answer that, so I just said, well, daddy has his own money now and mommy has her own money now and I probably won't be able to buy daddy a gift anymore. He said, What about at Christmas? Aren't you going to buy him Christmas gifts? I said, I'll take you and Josie out shopping and help you each buy a gift for Daddy at Christmas. (this is for the kids sake, by the way, not Kenneth's) So he said, well doesn't daddy love you anymore? (here we go) I said, Well, Theo, no. Daddy doesn't love me anymore. He said, Why not? I said, well, that's just his decision, but he still loves you and Josie very much. He started to cry which made me start to cry, and he said, Mommy, I'm so sad for you that Daddy doesn't love you anymore. I said, thank you, Theo, that is so sweet. I love you. He said, does this mean you are getting a divorce? I said, yes Theo. We are. He said, Why? I said, well Theo, that's what your daddy wants, but he still wants you and Josie very much, he just doesn't want to be married to me anymore. He cried some more and said, are you going to get remarried? I said maybe someday Theo, but even if I do it won't be for a long time. Then he said, I want you to get remarried. You need a husband. I'm so sad for you that you don't have a husband. This made me cry even more because he seems to only be crying for me! How did I get so blessed with such a wonderful, sensitive child? He is the sweetest kid around! I love him! I said, well you know how I've been telling you that God is our Father and He is always there for us, and protects and loves us like a father and will never leave us? Well, the Bible also says the He is a husband to the husband-less, so I'm okay, Theo. God is taking care of me, just like He's taking care of you. He seemed to perk up a bit then. I also went on to tell him that it was okay to be sad or angry, but to not let it overwhelm him. That he could talk to me about anything and that I would always be here for him to talk to. And I told him that we are going to be okay! That we have a great home with Grammy & Granddad and how we all love each other and I reiterated that Kenneth loves him too. Then Theo said, Mommy, I don't think God's too happy about Daddy's decision. I said, you are right Theo. So then he said, Why did Daddy make such a bad decision? I said, well we all make mistake and bad decisions sometimes, don't we? (I felt at a loss for that last one, because I don't want to be bad-mouthing Kenneth, but I'm also not going to lie to him if he asks who made the decision!) So this was a conversation that I never ever wanted to have to have with my five year old little boy!

Well, Kenneth has the kids tonight and I've already heard from him, through text message, about how he had to do damage control since I said some misleading things to the kids. He is just going to really confuse them! What makes me mad is that this is what HE wanted. Not me. But he wants things to be all fine and they just can't be with that decision. Divorce is ugly. It is against God's will, and there are consequences with that choice. He has been telling the kids all along, apparently, that sometimes mommies & daddies live apart from each other and that's okay. I'm sorry, but that is not okay! And I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that it is! But, I'm telling you what, I am so determined to give them the best and most normal life they can have. And I will be teaching them what the Bible says, not the "bible according to kenneth." So there. Did I also mention that he introduced his girlfriend to them? Good old Chelsae has been with them the last three times he's had them! That's a good decision, huh? Ugh.

But I will not end on a sour note, I will end on a Bible verse, because I need to hear one right now! "Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ's sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy." - I Peter 4:12,13