Pictures from the Infamous Christmas Program

Christmas Program Woes

Well, I haven't been blogging every day. At least not that you can see. I have blogged in my head many times, but alas, you are not a mind-reader. So sorry!

Here I am, trying to catch up on things. Last weekend was the kids Christmas program at church. I was truly hoping and praying this would go well. My dream of the perfect child came to a screeching halt when the first kids came in. Theo's Kindergarten class took the stage, with Theo being the 2nd child on stage. Pretty much as soon as he took his place on the stage, he proceeded to attempt to make gaseous noises with his armpit. He looked out into the audience and caught the look of a stern mommy saying, NO, with the evil eye that we moms inherit as soon as our child "comes of age." Soon after, during the singing, Theo makes a strange goofy face at a girl next to him and, losing his focus, falls off the back of the step. At this point, the mommy from the audience looks down with her face in her hands. Then his class exits stage left. Next comes Josie's class. There are not any embarrassing moments, but she is too scared to sing or shake her jingle bell and walks up to the stage with her shoulders raised very high as if to shrink her turtle head in to her body shell. After that Kids Chorale comes out which is the huge kids choir from Kindergarten - 6th grade. Theo is in this too. The Christmas Musical is called, The Mystery of the Manger. Theo is once again right in the front. As the first song begins, suddenly he has come to the realization that if he unzips a zipper on his pants (thank the good Lord, that I'm not talking about his fly), that he can put his hand right through his pocket and wiggle his fingers out the bottom. He is fascinated with this and spends some time checking out his wiggling fingers. Meanwhile, the program is continuing, and the mommy in the audience is looking with wide eyes to see when her little dumpling will pay attention to his surroundings. Throughout the show, Theo yawns, rolls his eyes, and occasionally sings! Boy were those moments of him singing good ones! Actually any time there was a song where there was movement or hand motions, he really got into it! The mommy in the audience was very proud and was told by numerous people, that it's kids like Theo that make the programs worth going to see! The mommy took that as a compliment.

Later, after the stars of the program were snoozing in their beds, the mommy found at that she had her first marriage proposition after the show. Seriously, my mom came home and told me that there was a man who came up to her after the program and asked if I was thinking about getting married again, because he was looking for a wife and thought I'd make a good one.

Now, before you all lose your minds, let me tell you who this man is. His name is Dean Sandy. And some of you out there are already laughing for you know who he is! For those of you who don't, Mr. Sandy is a Mentally Handicapped 60 year old man who drives a moped and works in the cafeteria at Grace College. God bless his soul, I'm afraid I may have to run for it every time I see him from now on!

So that was my very interesting evening last Sunday night! The End!

Bedtime - My Enemy

Why is it that I dread bedtime so much, you may ask. Well, if you are asking, you have never had the torture, I mean pleasure, of getting my children to sleep. Surprisingly, Josie fell asleep fairly easily tonight. There was a bit of kicking and screaming, but it was kept down to a dull roar. Theo on the other hand stayed in bed (most of the time) but over two hours later is still calling out to me! Mom, there is a dinosaur in my room... Mom, I drooled on my pillow... Mom, my throat is hurting from talking so much... AHHH!!!!!! I don't believe in telling your kids to shut up, and I still have not said it (out loud) to my children, but these moments are close! So since I'm writing in my blog and not saying anything out loud, here I go. SHUT UP!! Just SHUT UP!!!!!! Phew. I feel better. Sometimes I just have to go find someplace or something to say things like shut up and that's stupid to. I don't say stupid in front of the kids and I don't let them say it, but sometimes, you just HAVE to say that something is STUPID! So I take it out on the cats when they are acting stupid! HA! I just said it! I love blogging. It lets your inner bad words come out. ;-)

Baby It's Cold Outside!

Okay, there is no other word to describe today except, YIKES! It's FREEZING outside! I need a hot water bottle to stick in my shirt or something! The wind-chill today is supposed to be in the single digits. Brrrrr!!!!

Okay, if you've never seen it, you have to check out the Playmobil Nativity Set. I got this for the kids so that they could have a "hands-on" nativity set this year and it is great! Theo and Josie have been playing with it a lot and the sweetest thing is hearing them talk and sing as they are acting out the real first Christmas. Theo will break into Away in the Manger (very seriously) while they are playing and then Josie will join in. I love it! They were also singing Hark the Herald Angels Sing and O Come All Ye Faithful and We Three Kings! I guess all of those bedtime Christmas songs I sing to them are paying off! So sweet!

I took Theo over to the book fair at his school today. I'm really loving his school and he comes and goes there so relaxed. The other day he came home beaming and told me that his teacher said he was a good student. He just was soooo proud of himself! Little Josie lady loves school too and her teacher said that art is her favorite time and just is so very detailed and careful whenever she does art projects. Proud of my little school kids!

Dental Woes

It seems like every time I take Theo to the dentist, there is always some bad news! That kid has a beautiful smile but horrible teeth! He has been such a faithful brusher and mouthwasher, so there are no new cavities, but there is an infection that has occurred under one of his caps and has started to spread to his gums. He will be put on antibiotics and next week that tooth that we spent so much money to cap will be pulled out and a spacer put in it's spot. They said that baby teeth often do not take the "fill" that they put under the caps very well and I should be watching his other two caps because it is possible that the same thing will happen to them! Great! He was a very good boy and they said he was so polite and a good listener with everyone. Bummer about his teeth. Unfortunately he comes from 2 sides of families with weak teeth and lots of problems. Ya wanna know what's ironic? The only person in my family with strong decent teeth is my dad, and when he was 18, he was turned down for the Marines, and the FBI (if I remember the story correctly) because they said he had bad teeth and was told that they would probably all fall out by the time he was 30. Guess he fooled them! So next Thursday Theo goes to the pediatric dentist in Ft. Wayne. At least we know them and they are very nice there!

Well, I've got to make Christmas cookies!!! Or cookies of some sort for our MOPS steering committee annual cookie exchange! Yummy!!

Hmmm

Ya know, with all of the technology that's out there today, ya think Blogger would be able to let it's users change their layouts without erasing all of their information! There may be a way to do that, but if so, I don't know what it is!!!

Well, we didn't have a 2-hour delay today but that's okay. I actually ended up having a very relaxing morning. Took Josie to school and came home, Theo was extremely mellow and just wanted to watch tv and play with his toys by himself so I sat and got some work done! Josie on the other hand this afternoon wanted to play with me constantly. She does not like to play alone for long. We sat and made words and drew pictures to go with them for a long time, so that was fun.

Well kids, another frustrating week of Kenneth telling me he doesn't have the money to pay me child support. Over the last 2 1/2 months (basically since the baby's been born) he has officially missed 8 weeks of child support. If you do the math, that's almost the entire time. That stinks. Our divorce will be finalized on January 8th, I believe. It will be interesting to see if he will actually pay when he has to go through the court. He doesn't seem very intimidated by rules.

Well, I need to get some more homework done, but maybe I'll write more later!!!

My Vow!!!!

Okay, I hate to say vow, because I may not keep it, but I am going to TRY & it is my goal to write a post every day in December. I need to get back into the habit of blogging. Blogging is good for the soul. :-)

So here I am! Blogging! Uh, well, gee, I don't really know what to say now! I had a busy day today with 3 classes. Should have been 4 but my evening class got cancelled. And I think we may be having a 2-hour delay (for the kids) in the morning. The snow and ice are getting worse. Very slick out there! We had a delay last Tuesday, it will be interesting to see if we have one again!

I must say that I LOVE Christmastime and am enjoying my Christmas music! Hope you like my selections on this blog. Some are very silly and some are traditional. I put the silly ones on there so that I can play them for the kids when they request them. But I like them too!

Okay - more to follow tomorrow! That's right - tomorrow!

Oh - and an answer to prayer - Kenneth agreed with my proposition of how we handle Christmas, so I am very relieved. I figured he'd try his best to get into a power struggle, but my proposition was very fair, so I'm glad he just agreed. Theo's birthday is a week from tomorrow! I can't believe I will have a 6 year old! He's a fun boy with quite an imagination.

Funny thing tonight with Theo - he saw an picture in a toysrus ad for a Wall-E robot. It moves a bit and dances and makes sounds, that sort of thing. Well, he got obsessed over it (which he does frequently) and fixated on this robot all night. When I tucked him in bed tonight he said, I think I'm going to ask Santa for that Wall-E robot and then it can do all of my work for me. I said, what do you mean? He said, well, I can tell it to bring me a glass of water at night and it will say, yes Theo, and bring it to me. I said, that robot is a toy. It won't be able to follow commands and things. And then he started crying and said, but I wanted to be famous! I was like, Huh? He said, if I could get it to follow my every command they might put it in a museum and everyone will want to know how I did it! I said, well, maybe when you grow up you will invent a completely new robot and then that one will go in a museum. He liked that answer and kept talking about what he would name his robot. Silly boy!

A Rough Start

Well, ladies... ( I can say that since I don't think there are any men out there who read my blog. You can correct me if I'm wrong, gents!) The day started a bit rough for me. The sermon this morning was all about marriage and being the partner that God wants us to be. It was good and I listened, but by the end I was in tears. It just seemed so unfair that I felt like I was being the wife God wanted me to be and still I'm here on my own. But I do know that I can live without guilt and shame, because I did do my best. It's just hard sometimes. As I looked around during the service I saw so many couples. It made me feel very alone. You have no idea how much I would love to be "held" right now. Not in a sexual way, but in an "I adore you" way. That makes me feel lonely. God created us for companionship, and although I can't tell you enough how much I absolutely adore my friends and family, I miss having the loving embrace of a husband. I miss hearing "I love you" each day. But I do know things will get better. It's just tough sometimes.

I do have a lot to keep my mind busy this week with mid-terms! AHHHH!!!! Actually, I should not even be writing right now, I should be studying! But I really needed to get some of this off of my chest.

I want to share an email forward that I received today from my friend Lisa. I normally don't even read forwards honestly, but I'm really glad I read this one... It was encouraging.

By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said, 'Why are you spending so much time on this one?'
And the Lord answered, 'Have you seen my spec sheet on her?

She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
Have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
And able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
Have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
Have a kiss that can cure anything
from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything with only two hands.'

The angel was astounded at the requirements.
'Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish.'

'But I won't, ' the Lord protested.
'I am so close to finishing this creation
that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days.'

The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
'But you have made her so soft, Lord.'

'She is soft,' the Lord agreed,
'but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.'
'Will she be able to think?', asked the angel.

The Lord replied,
'Not only will she be able to think,
She will be able to reason and negotiate.'
The angel then noticed something,
And reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
'Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.'
'That's not a leak,'The Lord corrected, 'that's a tear!'

'What's the tear for?' the angel asked.

The Lord said, 'The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
Her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
Her loneliness, her grief and her pride.'
The angel was impressed.
'You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing.'

And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
But they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
And laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take 'no' for an answer
When they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
And cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
Yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
To show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give

HOWEVER,
IF THERE IS ONE TINY FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Me Again!

Look at that! I'm writing for my 2nd time in a few days time. Whooooo! I rock! Life is good! Last night we had a MOPS mom's night out and met at the church for Scrap and Stamp night - (I actually originally wrote crap and stamp night by accident - aren't you glad I changed it?) (hee-hee) which was really fun! We made cards! So if you get hand-made cards from me sometime, you know where I made them! It was a great night to be out with the ladies! YAY!

You can pray for me as I'm trying to jump back on the "healthy lifestyle" bandwagon! I lost a lot of weight last winter/spring, but stopped losing over the summer and afraid I may be gaining a few pounds back, so I am now officially trying to be healthy again (I don't use the word diet). I just need to incorporate some exercise into my life! Besides climbing the steps to my 3rd floor class every day!

Today, I had the pleasure of seeing two dear friends!!! Amy and Mary Alice, who were good friends in high school! Yay! Amy actually lives down the road from me but our schedules are both so crazy that we almost never see each other. Mary Alice lives in Colorado so it's always a treat to have her home to visit! I haven't seen her since last November! Amy had us over to her house this afternoon and our kids played together while the three of us sat and drank coffee and chatted. Drinking coffee and chatting with friends - that's the best combination in the world to me! :-) We missed our Jen, who is in Florida!

I'm sort of jumping from topic to topic. Hmmm... so does anyone like strawberries? One time I saw a frog. That roller coaster scared me. So she said, Red! Isn't that crazy? That was my demonstration of how I can jump from topic to topic. Also given so that my random paragraphs don't look so bad after all!!!

Well, gotta be going now! Love to you!

Feeling Good Mr. Kotter....!!!

Well folks, it's been a rough few weeks, but I feel like I've finally come to grips with everything (whatever that means) and I'm back to my happy self again!

Thanks to those of you who have been praying for baby Ella! She is doing well and may possibly have been released today from the hospital - maybe it's tomorrow. I'm not sure, but she had an "awakening" on Sunday morning and could suddenly completely breath on her own! 100%! So that's wonderful. I have not had the heart to ask if they know if there was any permanent harm done. So I don't know that. I guess in the future if there are problems, I will find out then. I do pray that there was no lasting damage.

The one thing that's been hard for me, which I'm finally getting over is how Kenneth will text me nearly every day to ask why our divorce is taking so long, and why we can't just be done with it. This has been very painful because I have been very kind and patient and each time I get that text message, I feel like it's just another stab in my back. It's like hearing him say, I don't love you and I can't wait to be done with you. Well - I already know that, so I don't need to keep hearing it over and over. I either don't reply when he does that or just reply with, you need to be talking with your attorney, not me.

Classes are going well. Next week may be different though - I have mid-term exams next week. Not all of the classes are giving actual exams, but I have 2 big exams, and 2 other classes I have big projects due. I'm not very good at retaining information for tests if I start studying too early, so I almost feel that it would be a waste of time to start doing TOO much studying for them yet, although this weekend I will be. I am working on the projects (both due wed) to get them over with. Then I have an exam on Tues night and one on Wed morning. My Tues night class I currently have an a+ in. So I'm hoping to get an a on the exam so I don't mess up that grade!

I am feeling good though! YAY! Although, I have to admit something - I have not had a poison-ivy free day since last May!!! And now I've broken out on my arm again! Go away poison-ivy!!!! I was supposed to go to the doctor on Tuesday this week, but had to reschedule because I had Josie. Hopefully I can make it next Tuesday. I need help!!! ITCHY ITCHY SCRATCHY SCRATCHY!!!!

You know, sometimes a song can make you feel better, in a silly way! I LOVE the song, "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. - It's on my little music playlist located to the right on the screen. I don't know what it is about that song but every time I hear it, it makes me happy! I think it just makes me think - maybe someday - YEARS from now - maybe I'll be in love again! (not looking for that right now by the way - don't worry).

Well, I love all of you chickadees, I'm sorry that I've been bad at staying in touch. It's all I can do sometimes to write a post! Please forgive me and know that I love all of my dear friends very much! :-)

Confessions of an Adult College Student

I wish that years ago I would have known how easy it was to get an "A" in a class. It is work, but not as much work as I thought it would be! I guess back then I figured that it would take a lot out of me, so I didn't bother! I was too busy having fun! Although I wouldn't take back any of my fun memories either! ;-)

When I was working with some Kindergartners on Monday this week, I said, "I've heard you have been learning about the letter B this week! Do you think you could write a letter B for me? Maybe a big B and a little B?" - they had both been writing pretty well before that, so I felt like I wasn't asking them to write something that they wouldn't be able to. As I looked at the one girl's paper, she had drawn a picture of a large bumblebee! She said, here is my big bee, should I also draw a little bee? It was soooooo sweet and cute! I was trying not to giggle! Talk about lost in translation!

I must admit I've had a few moments in my classes of "come on, young people!" Which is really funny! These kids are all young and hip, and I felt like I knew more about technology than most of them! On Monday night we met at a local 4th grade class that is total totally around technology. It is like the classroom of the future. Every student has a computer at their desk and they do pretty much all of their work with it. They do tons of global networking projects. They also have a "whiteboard" in the class, which is just the coolest thing. As the teacher was explaining how he uses all of the technology and how in the future teachers may even use cell phones and ipods in their instructions, I was sitting there thinking, how cool! All of the young people around me were looking totally shocked! There was one girl who raised her hand and said, "I'm a music education major and I don't think you can use any technology with music." I wanted to pick up a book and hit her over the head! I hope she never teaches my kids! Hello!!! Keyboards, microphones, recording equipment, electric guitar.... Music. Anyway, I just held my tongue and the teacher did answer with, "I think you need to do more research into your field." I was also only one of two students out of 35 that has a blog! Although I must say that I'm ashamed at how seldom I've been writing in it recently. Believe me - I have had no lack of writing. I'm writing papers constantly!!! I just finished an article review. That was a bit boring.

I do feel as I've been going through my classes that I'm definitely doing the right thing. My only regret is that it's been so long since I've taken other classes in my major that I feel like I'm missing some vital information, and some of my info from before is so out-of-date. I guess I'll know more when I do my student teaching if I'll really be prepared or not. I love teaching. I love creativity and fun and learning and making learning fun! That's the way it should be! YAY!

I'm pretty tired right now. Theo has Grandparent's day tomorrow at school which my dad is taking him to. He was so excited that it took him at least an hour to fall asleep. Josie also did not fall asleep very easily tonight. Silly goose.

I'll leave you tonight with a Josie "original' -

Jesus died on the cross, E-I-E-I-O. With a moo moo here and a moo moo there,
And Jesus was his name-O.

Never Been Kissed

Okay, so I've been kissed. The jig is up - I have two children. That's not why I titled this Never Been Kissed. I am referring to the name of the movie and my new life! In Never Been Kissed, Drew Barrymore's character, Josie Geller, (by the way, that movie is where I fell in love with the name Josie) is 26 years old and does an undercover report on being in high school so then goes back to high school and has to fit in and everything. I laugh thinking about that movie every day! The other day as I was confidently walking into my first class of the day I tripped and spilled coffee down the front of my new tan top and I thought - that was so Josie Geller! Hi, I'm Cathy Cooke - I'm a college student - I'm here with my fellow college students - hi guys! Now I'm not a totally out of date gal, but my days of wearing sweatshirts, tank tops, and jeans with holes in them are over. I like to look nice. No, I'm not sporting any Hillary Clinton matching pantsuits, but I do like to look like I've washed my clothes before I wore them! ;-) I so wish I could have a hidden camera in my cute, gray messenger bag to show everyone how weird it is to be in a classroom again after so many years! I had an "old moment" the other day... we had a break in my Monday night class and the boy next to me started chatting with me, he had been at my parents' house for Transfer student night, so I was asking where he had transferred from and he said Rockford, IL (that reminded me of you, rachel) and then said, that his parents were both originally from Warsaw and had grown up here. Then he said, yea, they were here a LOOOOONNNNNG time ago... back when they used that old middle school and ivy tech building as their high school! I slumped down a bit in my chair as I said, Oh, that's where I went to high school too. HA! I'm actually closer in age to the Professors! Two of the professors in the teacher's education dept were ladies I went to college with before!!! Well, that's all I have time for now. Hope to fill you in later about life as an adult student! This is Josie Geller, signing out!

Just your modern day family...

Picture Nightmare!

Hello! Well, I took Josie into school today for her school pictures! She doesn't have school on Wednesdays so I had to take her in for a special time! That girl would NOT cooperate!!! I was frustrated because usually I take them to JCPenny's every year for their pictures, but since they both got school pictures, I figured we'd save some money and time this year and only do the school pictures! She would only make super goofy faces! She was sticking her tongue out or putting her fingers on her cheeks or making frowny mean faces! AHHHH!!! I was trying to be patient and laugh it off but I felt like I was going to strangle that kid! We finally ended up with a non-smiling but non-goofy picture. My word!!!! I may be going back for re-take days! I'll have to find out how it works. I tried bribing her with Twizzlers and everything!

I had a meeting yesterday with my attorney that went very well! If all goes according to the plan, our divorce will be finalized by the end of September. And without having to go back to court! I would be thrilled if I never have to go to court again! That was not fun! My attorney has a meeting with Kenneth's attorney this Friday morning, so please pray with me that it goes well and Kenneth will agree to my proposal.

Thanks!!!! Love you!

My 100th Post!

As I was clicking to post I noticed that this is my 100th post on this blog! Whooo Hooo!!! Celebration!!! YAYYY!!!!!!

Okay, now down to business. Hello!!! Josie girl made it through another day of pre-school! Hooray! And yes, she made it through another day without an accident! Theo is still at school. Hoping he's making it okay!

If you think about it, pray for me tomorrow morning. I have an appt with my attorney at 9:oo. I'll let you all know how it goes. I'm sure we will be talking through Kenneth's latest proposal from his lawyer. Should be interesting. At least I like my attorney.

This afternoon my press awaits! (Joking!) I won a scholarship from a local foundation and they are taking pictures this afternoon. Before you get too excited, I won this scholarship by meeting it's requirements - Old people going back to school who didn't finish their degree earlier because they were impatient kids who didn't care about school, and who now don't have any money to go back to school. Although the paperwork of course worded it a lot nicer than that. That is just my take on it! Tee-Hee! So, being that I'm an old person, I better go put my dentures in and slip into my orthopedic shoes and head out! ;-)

I'm boring...

Hmmm... not sure what to say today. But I wanted to get back into the habit of blogging when I had the chance! So here I am!!! Today was good. I went to church and got stuck right in the middle of a pew which sometimes makes me feel claustrophobic, and yes, it did today. But I survived. Even though I literally had no room to even put my Bible down. We were packed like sardines! We swam most of the afternoon and Charlette, Darren and Madeline were over. Then later mom made a big spaghetti dinner and Tyler came and Aunt Nora and we celebrated Madeline's 13 birthday! YAY! It's hard to believe she's 13! It was a fun day and went by very quickly!

I'm looking forward to tomorrow morning because the kids both have school so I'll have some time to myself! I may go back to bed for a while! That would be weird! But fun! ;-)

I'm also feeling more confident about Josie going to school and not having an accident. That's a good thing. And Theo starts all-day kindergarten tomorrow. It was half-day this past week to ease them into it! Pray that my baby makes it through rest time without a nap! Naps totally throw things off for him. He's a kid who really doesn't require a ton of sleep and if he gets it during the day, it throws off his nighttime!

Sorry this was a boring blog. Just trying to stay on top of things! Love ya!

It's me again!

Sorry! Here I was saying I would write more often! Probably shouldn't have promised that right around the time that my life would really get crazy! Not in a bad way, just in a busy way! The kids and I drove out to Maryland to spend a week with Kenneth's family. Which actually went very well. I was a bit nervous being what situation we are in, but they made us feel very loved and accepted and supported. Theo and Josie just LOVED playing with their cousins! Kenneth's brother and sister-in-law and their two kids flew out to MD also from San Francisco for the week. It was great spending time with them. Kev & Bethany and all of our kids and I took the metro into D.C. and did a few museums which was fun and the kids went fishing on a boat in the harbor one day and then Bethany & I took the kids to a public pool one day that was more like a water park. Very fun!

Anyway, right after we got back from our long trip it was time to get things in gear to make sure the kids were ready for school. Including filling out more paperwork - paying all of the fees and tuition's, and getting Theo in for shots! Theo started kindergarten on Tuesday and has been going half-day all this week and next day he will begin full-day! This is already a huge adjustment for him, so I think it will be a few weeks before he feels comfortable with all of this change! Josie had her first day of pre-school on Tuesday and has been very sad that she doesn't go again until Monday! She had a great time and loved it and I was so proud of her for not having an accident while she was there! She wore panties the whole time! This is a big achievement for her since potty training with her has been a long process. She is finally getting it! We used to go through a package of pull-ups a week but I've had the same package for 2 weeks now and have only used half! That's pretty exciting! And a nice little extra money for the old pocketbook! The potty training with her has been interrupted by many life changes over the last year and half, so I have not blamed her for the long time it has taken and honestly have not been too concerned about it, except where pre-school was concerned! But yay! We are doing great! She went the whole day without an accident and even when she was wearing a pull-up, she still chose to use the potty, which is a plus!

I had a MOPS steering committee meeting tonight and I am excited about our MOPS this year! I was excited about it last year too, but didn't join until lots was already planned, so it's been fun to be a part of the planning this year. I love the ladies on the steering committee! They are great and I look forward to seeing them! We have a great bunch!

I'm really really sleepy right now and not the giddy, silly kind of sleepy, but the eyes half-closed, dragging my fingers on the keyboard kind of sleepy, so I'm going to say good-night, but wanted to send a quick post to say, sorry it's been so long!

Oh - really quickly, I went today and got my Grace College Student ID card today and bought my textbooks for the semester! It felt really weird! But here I am, adult, super-nerd student. I have my books and classes don't start until the 1st! Next project, some sort of backpack or book bag or whatever the young people these days are carrying their books around in...

One more thought...

Actually, I wanted to note that the spiritual songs on here DO have significance and especially Natalie Grant's "I Will Not Be Moved"! That is my theme song!!! So that IS significant! But, say for instance, Mama Mia or Copa Cobana - those songs don't have any life changing significance for me! ;-)

A Disclaimer...

As some may have noticed, I have added music to my blog! Just wanted to put out a disclaimer that these are just songs that I like! They have no sentimental significance to me. I was dusting while listening to the songs earlier and as some of them were playing, I thought, If anyone were listening to these they might think I was trying to say something through them, but nope! They are just songs that I like! There are very few songs that are sentimental to me as pertains to Kenneth & I and I am not adding those songs. I don't care if I never hear them again!!! In fact, some of them make me gag! ;-) Just putting that out there!

I'm enjoying a kid-free day today (although I do miss the kids when they are not with me, it's nice to have a break!) and I'm trying to actually get some cleaning done! By the way, Theo has been much happier since his breakdown over the weekend! He probably just needed to vent! We all have to do that now and then, huh? Have a great day!

Monday, Monday...

I know this may come as a shock to some people, but Monday is my favorite day of the week! I love that it is a new start - a new week! Anything is possible!

This weekend was good for the most part, but challenging too! Theo had a bit of a meltdown on Saturday night. He cried and cried at bedtime that night and said that he wanted Daddy and I to get remarried to each other and that he doesn't understand how Daddy could want a divorce and said that his heart is broken into a million pieces! It was heartbreaking. But I do know that with time, it will get easier. It will never be perfect, but it will be easier. Please pray with me for healing for my sweet boys heart! Please pray for patience for me too. I know that this time has been hard for the kids, but they are acting out with all that's going through their minds. For the last few weeks, I feel like I am constantly disciplining. I know it's usually close to that way normally, but it is worse than normal right now. I'm tired. But I want to be consistent! Thanks for your support!

Up From The Grave She Arose!!!!

All of you Grace Brethren-ers out there will appreciate that title. We do love our dramatic and non-dramatic hymns! ;-)

Okay! So I have been sucked into the Internet "Social Utility" vortex called Facebook! So sorry that I have lost contact with my blog! I am still alive as are my children and we are doing okay!

Life is going on! Since I hadn't posted in so long, I will tell you that since my last post, my sister has gotten married, I've found out that Kenneth's baby is a girl, and I've had my first real "parting" from my children as Kenneth took them for nearly 5 days in a row earlier this month. It was sort of a last-minute plan, so after I dropped them off with him I hopped in the old mini-van and headed to Tennessee! Where I spent my days hanging out with gal pals! And trying not to worry about my children even though the first 30 hours or so of being away from them were filled with text messages telling me that they were screaming and crying uncontrollably for me, and trying to leave the apartment to come and find me! (no joke) But I truly was able to relax and in the end it was good for all of us! Especially me! Although I have made WONDERFUL friends up here in Indiana, whom I am very thankful for, going to Tennessee is like going home for me and I SO needed a visit there to make me feel normal again. Although, when am I ever normal? That's the real question! ;-)

So I had lunch today with the SWEETEST lady here who went through pretty much identically what I'm going through - but about 15 years ago. (minus the new baby girl on the way - I seem to be the only one I know who is fortunate enough to be dealing with that tidbit) Anyway, it was so great to talk to her. Here is someone who really knows how I feel and has been in my shoes! Younger girl and all! And she is happily married and has been for many many years now and is on the other side! Her kids are grown! And although she tells me that she still occasionally grieves from that loss, her life is good! And I believe it! Besides a few moments, I really do feel like life is good. Even right now!

Our divorce is not final yet, but honestly I'm not in a hurry. At first, I wanted to just get it all over with as soon as possible. But now I just want to make sure I get as much dealt with NOW, instead of having to pay my attorney for every question I have in the future. And, (evil laugh) I think it's sort of funny that Kenneth & I could still be married by the time the baby is born. It's very possible! Now, I'm not going to tell my attorney to do this on purpose - I'm not that evil. It is just working out that way. But (insert Dr. Evil's laugh here) it does bring a little laughter into my throat. A chuckle. A snort, if you will.

Well, it's really late, so I probably should be heading to bed. Especially since I'm starting to see double. Is that a bad sign? I promise to be writing again soon!!! LOVE YOU!!!

New News

Well, I have some new news to share. And it's not good news. Kenneth told me yesterday that his girlfriend is pregnant. I totally feel like I'm talking about what's new on The Young & The Restless, not my life and the life of my family. Honestly I'm not surprised. I've suspected this for some time and knew that even if I was wrong that it would only be a matter of time before it would happen. But still, this is not news I wanted to hear. She is due October 4th. My main concern about this news is how it will effect my children. Theo already knows that people should be married to each other before they have babies so this is going to bring up some icky difficult questions that a 5 year old doesn't need to think about. Also, I'm very concerned that they will feel that Kenneth is replacing them with the baby since he will be spending more time with the baby than with them. So far they have not planned on getting married. We are not even divorced yet!!! So how COULD they get married. I honestly also feel sorry for the baby. That baby did not ask to be brought into such a complicated scenario! Apparently Chelsae (that's Kenneth's girlfriend) is also from an extremely racist family so this baby will be born into an even bigger mess! And if they do get married, will my kids be put in situations where there is racial hostility? This is SO not what I ever would have wanted for my sweet, innocent children. Their dad is a teenager wrapped up in a 40-year old's body. It makes me want to work even harder to provide them with a stable, normal up-bringing. And if they need therapy or counseling to work through all of this as they grow up, I'm all for it. Anything to help them be kind, smart, loving, well-adjusted, God-fearing kids. Please pray for protection for my sweet children, and for strength and wisdom for me. Thank you!

Just Had To Say...

That I love my kids! I have 2 very amazing, wonderful children! And I am just so proud of them! I try to tell them that frequently too. The other day Theo came up to me and said, "Mom, did you always want to have a son who was adventurous?" And I said, "Oh yes, Theo! Adventurous children love life and are curious and have fun! I also always wanted a son who loved God, was kind to others, loved to learn, and had a fun personality and a silly sense of humor, and I got that too! You are all of those things!!!" You should have seen the precious, proud, giddy look on his face. And he gave me a great big bear hug and told me he loved me. Those moments are priceless and, as I also tell him frequently, if I had a choice of all of the little boys in the whole wide world, I would choose him! Before you say anything, I say these things to Josie all of the time too and she soaks it up too! Kids love praise and affirmation and I am saying all of this to encourage you to squeeze your extra-special kid today and tell them how thankful you are to have them as your child! Also I'm writing this so that on the days that are hard and I'm about to pull my hair out I can go back and read this and remind myself why I keep striving every day to do my best and live my amazing single-mom life and enjoy it!

Just had to say too that as I was tucking Theo in tonight and after we prayed and I sang a few songs to him he asked me to get his slippers for him. Sometimes he likes to sleep in them and he said his feet were cold. I went into the other room, got his slippers and then helped him get uncovered and put them on his feet. As I was putting on the second slipper, he (very sleepily) said, "Mom, you do a great job of taking care of me." I think I'm tearing up just typing it. It was just what I needed to hear from him.

Hiya!

Hello! I'm just hanging out here on a Thursday night without my kiddos. I guess there is one advantage of divorce, I always have a night of free babysitting! There, just looking on the bright side! I have to admit though that although I enjoy the peace of having some time to myself, this summer may be a bit different. Kenneth is wanting to find a few weeks this summer where he can have some consecutive days including a whole week at a time with the kids. I am not opposed to this idea, and it is encouraged by the court, but I have to admit that I will worry to death about them! I will have to stay busy, and the week long time I plan to go to Tennessee so that I can enjoy myself. But still, when it's just one night at a time, I think, well, that's doable, but just not knowing what they are doing for a whole week or even 3 or 4 days in a row will be a bit overwhelming! It's not like he tells me what they have planned or what they will do or did do. Any information I get is after-the-fact and from the kids. He's really insistent on taking them for 3 particular days in a row the week of July 7th. I asked him why it was important, and he said, "because I've got plans." That makes me nervous! He doesn't always make the best decisions when it comes to them. So please pray for me. My kids are NOT my own. They belong to God. I have to trust Him that He will protect my babies and take care of them. The interesting part is that I think sometimes Theo is the one who keeps him on track. He'll tell Kenneth, "Mommy doesn't want me to see that or do that. It's inappropriate." It's pretty sad when your five year old is keeping their 40 year old father on task. Anyway, I did not write all of this to put Kenneth down or make him look like a bad dad. I am writing to ask for help with my attitude and willingness to let him be their dad. Unless he makes some horrible or illegal decision when it comes to them, I have no control. The other part that makes me nervous is that he still has not gotten it through his brain that Josie is an escape-artist. When he took them to the zoo 2 weeks ago, I sent along her little harness/leash and asked if he could please use that with her since she runs away so fast, but no. Probably just because I asked him to, he decided not to. Now granted, she's still here, and she's still alive, so it was alright, but personally I just don't like to take chances with her safety! She would have no hesitation with running into a crowd of people away from you! She is the child that this leash was made for! She could get lost or kidnapped in an instant, and that is not a chance that I am willing to take! Anyway, again, going back. Please pray for me that I will be able to trust God that my children will be okay. I just love them so much and would never want anything to happen to them. I go through horrible scenarios in my brain of Josie getting lost and all of us filling out a missing child's report at the police station. It terrifies me! Okay. I have vented now. Thank you.

My children belong to God. They were never mine to begin with, I am just the one He chose to parent them while they are here on earth! I just want to do my best, so that someday when I'm before Him, I will hear, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." That is my goal. Pray for me!

A Quick Update

Just wanted to let everyone know that the final date for the divorce has been postponed. It was supposed to be today but it will now be in a few weeks. This is actually a good thing because when I met with my attorney last week we realized we still had some loose ends and wanted to have one more meeting together. If we had tried to have the court date today, we still wouldn't have had everything final because I needed a few more pieces of paper to make sure Kenneth would have to be responsible for the things he needs to be responsible for. He is pretty ticked off at me that it has been postponed. But like I said, Oh well. It will only be few weeks away. We are just waiting for the court to announce the new date/time. Please be in prayer that I will be able to tie up any loose ends before that date. The more I can take care of now, the more secure I will be and the less money I will have to pay my attorney, because I won't have to keep going back for every little thing. I am glad that I like my attorney because I was just thinking yesterday that I am going to be having a long-term relationship with her!

My poison ivy has not gone away! I'm getting very frustrated and feel like a leper! My arm looks disgusting! I totally grossed out the gal in the coffee shop drive-thru! I tried to reach across with my right hand, but couldn't reach, so I had to use my left! Ew! And the medicine I have to take keeps me from feeling tired, so I haven't been getting much sleep, although so far it's not bothering me because I don't feel tired! I'm gonna crash when I go off of this!

Awana Award Night!

A couple of weeks ago now, was the Awana award night! Awana is kind of like a Bible version of boys scouts or girls scouts. Not sure how to explain it, but for Theo's age group, he was in the group called "Cubbies". They went through a book and memorized Bible verses each week and met on Wednesday nights at church! They received badges for every so often throughout the year which I sewed on his vest, and then on Award night, he got his "Cubbie Bear" pin for completing the year! This next year he will be in "Sparks" which he is really excited about. Wanted to post the video of his group singing their Cubbies theme song! I loved how he had his hands in his pockets during the whole song. I think he was nervous. But they were so cute! If you don't see him right away, he is on the left hand side of the video in the front!

Walking With Dinosaurs!

On Saturday, Theo & I drove to Ft. Wayne to see "Walking With Dinosaurs". This is a stage show with huge computerized dinosaurs that are very realistic looking. Granddad met us there later. I knew are seats were supposed to be decent, but I was surprised when we got there and we were in the first row! I warned Theo that there would be loud noises, the sounds of storms and volcanoes erupting and everything, but he still jumped a few times and when the huge T-Rex stood right in front of us and roared, he almost jumped out of his seat! The only down-side to this show was the story of evolution. It was narrated the whole time by a "'paleontologist" and of course talked about how it wasn't earth then, it was "Pangaea" and this was billions of years of ago. Luckily, Theo already understands that scientists believe this, and it's not true. So now and then he'd look at me and say, "Don't worry, mom. I know the Earth isn't really that old." Or, "Don't worry, I know that only God created dinosaurs and men and that we didn't evolve from apes." He is really into science and history in particular, so he's pretty wise to the whole thing. But it was definitely a great show. We couldn't take flash photography, but I turned off my flash, and got some photos! Theo's souvenir was a dinosaur tale that he can wear, and he has been wearing it all over the place! He wanted to wear it to church on Sunday! Silly boy!

E-I-E-I-O!!!

Old McGranddad had a farm, e-i-e-i-o! And on that farm he had some veggies, e-i-e-i-o! With a tomato plant here, and a cabbage plant there, here some corn seed, there some green beans, everywhere a garden box...

Okay, you see where I am going. Grandad has decided to grow some veggies this year! YAY! When I was young, my parents had a yummy garden full of goodies every summer. So I'm excited that the kids get to help re-start that tradition! They had a great time working out in the garden and helping plant and water. Hopefully we will see the fruits (or in this case, veggies) of our labor! ;-)

Our First Warm Day!

Last Monday, Memorial Day, was the first really warm day that we had, so Granddad set up the sprinkler and fun was had by two wet little kiddos!

I'm So Behind On Pictures!

It's been so long since I've posted pictures of the kids. I'm going to attempt to catch up. So sorry!

46 Things About Me

1. Do you like blue cheese? I love it on salads and steaks and such, but not by itself!

2. Have you ever smoked? I have smoked cigars, but that was in the days of yore and the thought of that makes me sick now!

3. Do you own a gun? Not a real one, but we have plenty of toy ones around here!

4.What flavors of Kool Aid were your favorite? Been a long time, but I would say Strawberry!

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Not normally, but I suppose it would depend on why I was going!

6. What do you think of hot dogs? I love them on the grill and eat them occasionally, but don't like to think about where they came from.

7. Favorite Christmas movie? Muppets Christmas Carol

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee!!! (this is not a preference, it is a necessity!)

9. Can you do push ups? Not too many at a time!

10. Whats your favorite piece of jewelry? A necklace pendant that Michelle gave me of a broken heart that has been mended together by a cross. Very neat.

11.Favorite Hobby? I like lots of things. Mostly hands-on things. Knitting, painting, scrapbooking, sewing, quilting...

12.Do you have A.D.D.? I don't think so!

13.What is one trait you hate about yourself? At the moment I would say that I am allergic to Poison Ivy.

14.Middle name: Grace

15.Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment. That my kids need to go to bed - they are driving me nuts, that I'm itchy, that ice cream sounds good.

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? coffee, diet coke, water

17. Current worry? There may be storms tonight and I don't like storms!

18. Current hate: Divorce

19. Favorite place to be? With my family, with my friends!

20. How did You bring in the New Year? I think I will skip that question, the answer will bring back bad memories. Let's just say that the next New Year will be better. There is no way it could be worse!

21. Where would you like to go? Italy

22. Name 3 people who will copy/complete this? I don't know!

23. Do you own slippers? I used to. I love to wear them in the winter, but I'm really more of a barefoot gal!

24. What shirt are you wearing? a Sauders' Nursery t-shirt!

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? I haven't done it, but I don't like satin. It's too sweaty.

26.Can you whistle? Not well. And not in tune.

27. Favorite color? Green

28. Would you be a pirate? I don't think so. I would get irritated with the eyepatch and I don't look good in hats.

29. What songs do you sing in the shower? I don't sing in the shower. That's my "talk with God" time.

30. Favorite Girls Name? Josephine/Josie. My other girl name was Violet, but I will not be using that now!

31. Favorite boy's name? Theo/Theodore. I like the name Abe/Abraham too.

32. Whats in your pocket right now? My cell phone

33. Last thing that made you laugh? A conversation with Kenneth over Text Message. It made me laugh because he got so angry at something so stupid. He was not laughing. I was laughing.

34. Worst injury you ever had? Well, recovering from each of my c-sections was no picnic.

35. Do you love where you live? Yes. And I will love having my own house again in two years too.

36. How many tv's do you have in your house? 2

37.Who is your loudest friend? I would never answer that.

38. How many dogs do you have? 0

39.Does someone have a crush on you? Nope. And I'm okay with that.

40. What is your favorite book? The Bible, and I love the Harry Potter series for fun and addictive reading!

41. What is your favorite candy? I love chocolate of course, but my favorites would be the fruity candies. Skittles, Starburts, Sour Patch Kids, that sort of thing.

42. Favorite sports team? Tennessee Titans!

43. What song do you want played at your funeral? That's not something I've not given much thought to. I guess I'd really like praise & worship songs - that's what I'll be singing up in heaven while everyone else is at the funeral!

44. Name two people that made an impact in your life that are still living (not in Bible)? How can I choose just two? I suppose I would say my Mom and my Aunt Nora. But there are also many more including my Pastors in Tennessee and all of my close friends! Can't choose!

45. Name two people that are no longer living that made an impact on your life(not in Bible)? Hmmm. I have no idea. Can't think of anyone right off hand.

46. Name two people that are famous that made an impact on you (not in Bible)? Again, no idea. I don't like the word famous anyway. People are just people.

What's Up Doc?

Broke down and went to the Dr. today for my poison ivy and now finally have some real meds for severe allergic reactions! Hooray! I hope it works quickly, this is getting disgusting! And itchy! Yikes!

To Everything, Turn Turn Turn...

There is a season, turn turn turn. That song reminds me of music class in the 6th grade. That and the song, "Country Roads, take me home, to the place I belong! West Virginia, Mountain Mama..." Why did they pick such lame songs for music class? And if music class is teaching kids songs that were popular a decade before, are the kids in music class now singing Brittney Spears songs or the Backstreet Boys? "Everyone now! 'Oops, I did it again..' Now the altos!"

Anyway, that is really not why I was saying, to everything there is a season. Just got off on a tangent! ;-) Actually I was saying that for many reasons, first one being this was Theo's last day of preschool! He will officially be an Elementary school student for the next 7 years! AHHH!!! Where does the time go? My little lovey was just a babe in my arms such a short time ago! And the sad part is that I know that the next 5 years are going to go even faster! And wouldn't you know it, my camera's battery died today at his last day when we were trying to get a group photo, but one of the other mother's got a good one and is going to email it to me!

Another seasonal comment - we are officially on Summer Vacation!!! YAY! My parents have been on summer vacation for a few weeks now, but now that Theo is off, it's official! Now if only we could get some warm enough weather to go swimming!

And is there a part of that song/verse that says, A time for scratching? Nope guess not. But can I just tell you that I have the worst poison ivy right now? I am so itchy!!! It's driving me nuts! But tonight, while Kenneth has the kids, I am doped up on Benadryl, so I hope that helps. I've tried creams, I even have been taking a homeopathic medicine for poison ivy. But I am still itchy and scratchy! ;-)

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; My weeping is over, folks! At least for now. And at least for this particular situation! I, once again, am choosing Joy!!!! I may have to keep going through this roller coaster and keep coming to this conclusion over and over, so bear with me, folks! But I seriously am so content with my life right now! Truly! Even after having a meeting with my attorney yesterday. I thought that may depress me, but it made me feel so confident and strong, that I am getting through this, with my head held high, and with Jesus by my side!!! Whoo Hoo!!!

After an evening of reading, walking, and going through old yearbooks/memories, I'm going to groggily (benadryl) tuck myself into bed!

Oh My Peas

OK, The only way you will probably know how funny this is is if you have seen Super Why, a kids program on PBS, sorry! Last night when I was getting Josie to sleep she kept singing and would not settle down, and so I kept saying, Josie you need to be quiet so that you can go to sleep. She said, "But mom, I have to sing! It says so in my story! See, Josie loves to sleep AND sing! Let's zap another word into my story, how about run?" Oh my word!

For those of you who have never seen the show, these 4 characters go into fairy tale books and try to help solve problems. Yesterday was sleeping beauty and when she would not "try new things" and go to a soccer party, she said, but I can't do that, it says so in my story - Sleeping Beauty loves to sleep, so they zapped an AND and then other words in so that she could do other things. Anyway, it was so funny when Josie said it, and very out of the blue! She's also been walking around saying, "Oh my peas!" which is what Princess Pea says all of the time!

I Have A Confession To Make...

I heart the TV show American Gladiators! Yes. It's true. I never in a million years thought I would like a show like that, but I love it! I could watch it every night! I guess right now in my life, I totally respect people with so much strength, power, determination and perseverance! They kick butt! :-) HA! Just wanted to share! I'll write more later!

Phew!

I'm feeling better today. Yes, there is still much to deal with, but my roller coaster is on the up right now, and I'm feeling okay. I bought a new book yesterday called "My Single Mom Life" by Angela Thomas and it is really great! Very honest, but uplifting. Thanks so much to all of you for your encouragement! I also had meant to say thanks yesterday in my blog to Katie for giving me gum and tissues at church on Sunday when I couldn't hold it together, and for sitting next to me! It was a tough day and I just couldn't stop my brain from going through all of my emotions. And you are right, Betsy - my kids & I will be okay! One of the reasons I bought a new book was because the one I bought last week called "Single Moms Raising Remarkable Boys" was written from a non-Christian perspective and while it definitely has lots of good advice and information, I believe that I have an advantage over that lady, because I have God on my side. (oh my word, my son is learning to read and just walked up and read part of my last sentence - I'm going to have to be careful when he's in the room!) I believe that God can fill the "dad-shaped-hole" in my kids hearts and the "husband-shaped-hole" in mine! Plus, I have the advantage of having very involved grandparents! They really have extra parents right now instead of less! ;-) So there you go. I never would have chosen single-mom-hood, but I will do my best, and with God's help, I know I will have success!

Here is a quote from my new book that I love:

I want to live an amazing life, even while raising these four kids alone. I don't want to wait until they are grown to become the best version of me. I want them to have that kind of mom now. They deserve the very best version of family that I can wrap a house around.

What if they could see in me no bitterness, ongoing healing, and a God-sized restoration? What if our home was the hub of activity for their friends? And we had parties and asked people over for dinner and invited the visiting missionary to stay in our spare room? What if we just acted like we're normal instead of focusing on what we're not? I think that a mom with a passionate, amazing life might just be the best foundation for kids to grow up healthy, educated, and wise.

So why focus on the bad, when I can focus on the good? I'm actually quite good at that, so hopefully I can continue to do that! Thanks for the love, guys! I love all of you!

Let's Just Be Honest...

Okay, I've had a really rough week. This past week I have cried more tears than in the last month or two combined. First of all, I'm tired. And secondly, I guess reality is once again knocking on my door. As I've been reading more and more books on the children of broken homes and how there is a lower success rate with these children, I have been overwhelmed. This past Saturday I had to attend a four-hour class for parents with minor children who are going through a divorce. I was dreading this because honestly, it's more bad news. But it wasn't as bad as it could have been, and actually it was pretty informative. And now, it's over with. Even better news. Anyway, I've been very sad lately. But thanks to God, who spoke through my friend Tammy, I've kind of pulled myself back together again. She reminded me that Kenneth's leaving has nothing to do with me. It is between he and God. Sure, I could have done things better or differently, but every wife could do things differently or better, so that is not why he left. I've really been letting the devil get to me and have been listening to him saying, "if only you'd done this... if only you'd done that..." and I just can't do that! I truly was a very patient and loving wife, and while, yes, I would have done things a little differently if I could go back, it would not have changed him, and he would probably still be choosing this. He wants a "free" lifestyle. He wants to be a teenager. Starting with his job - he's waiting tables now. He's dating a 19 year old (okay, so she had her birthday and now she's 20, but I still like to say 19). He's going to clubs and bars (which is not my scene, no offense anyone). All of his current friends are around 20 years old, and he has "given up" any of his long-term friends and pretty much his family. Does this have to do solely with me? I don't think so. But I just really needed to be reminded of that fact, so thank you, Tammy. And thank you to all of you out there who have been encouraging me. It really does mean a lot! Also, on another good news side, I sat down last week and figured out the schedule for all of my college classes that I need to take and it's not that bad! I have one year of full-time classes (12 credit hours/semester) and then 1 summer school class next year which will be two weeks, and then 1 semester of student teaching! I can do this! Hooray! It is doable! Then I will be able to get a decent job that will provide for my children and give us benefits (hooray) and I will be able to build my house! There is an end in sight, and that is exciting!

Well, I'm going to go and knit now. Just wanted to say that I'm sleepy right now and kind of cloudy, so this post may have been kind of rambly. Sorry! I'm going to add a blurb from my daily e-mail that I get from DivorceCare... This does sort of sum up how I've been feeling, but thank the Lord for healing and that I don't have to stay in this depression forever!

The pain of divorce is much deeper and more soul wrenching than most people can imagine, unless they have been through it themselves. Divorce can mean the end of your hopes and dreams, the end of your life as you have known it, a loss of control, and feelings of rejection, loneliness, and blame. There is anger, depression, helplessness, bitterness, resentment, feelings of worthlessness, and guilt. The list goes on and on.

"I was afraid that once I opened that door, the intensity of what I was feeling would break me into little pieces," says Marie. "I'd be scattered all over the floor in little tiny scraps, and I'd never be able to pull myself back together."

You will not be able to "hurry up and get over it." That is not possible. Instead, start by making a commitment to take a small step forward every day. Marie says, "Gradually God has put the pieces back together, and the pieces that I don't have anymore, the severing of the part of me that was bonded with my husband, God has healed and replaced. He's in the process of finishing that up."

"I cry to you, O LORD; I say, 'You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.' Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me" (Psalm 142:5-6).

Lord and Savior, the intensity of my emotions is unbearable. Hold me in Your strong arms. Comfort me with the comfort that only comes from You, and guide me in taking one step forward each day. Amen.

Hooray!

Just wanted to let everyone know not to worry! I found a friend who wants to see Sex & The City too! Carrie! YAY! I'm looking forward to it! ;-)

An Evening Of Firsts

I'm kind of tired right now, and my mind is a bit mushy, so I'm not going to write much, but I wanted to share that I made some accomplishments last Thursday night! While Kenneth had the kids, I drove in to Ft. Wayne to browse around at two of my favorite stores, Target and Hobby-Lobby. (ew, I just smushed a mosquito on the computer screen) After shopping around for a while I decided I would go out on a limb and brave the unknown! ;-) I ate out and went to a movie all by myself! Some of you who do this or have done this regularly may think it's silly that that was a big deal for me, but it truly was. I'm a very social person, and although I enjoy my alone time, eating out and going to movies are not alone time for me. Alone time means reading a book, doing a project, that sort of thing. So I went to the theater to see what was playing because I was not about to see a romantic or a romantic comedy by myself. That would have been just too depressing for my first jaunt. I was in luck! I had been wanting to see Ben Stien's documentary called "Expelled", and it was playing! I had a quick dinner at IHOP because that didn't seem intimidating and they usually bring the food quickly so that I wouldn't be sitting there with nothing to do for a while. I realized I didn't even have a book with me, so that idea was out the window. Anyway, it wasn't so bad! And the movie was great. I'm so glad I saw it, and highly recommend it. If you don't know, he did an "expose'" on the Science world and how they totally shut down any notion of "Divine Intervention" when it comes to the origin of existence. His point was that in America, shouldn't we have the freedom to at least look into this possibility and write about it or teach it as a possibility? Anyway, you have to see it for yourself. It was very well done and was a good choice for my night out.

I lived through my evening of social aloneness! YAY! I kick butt! Isn't there a quote that says, that which doesn't kill you will only make you stronger? It didn't kill me and it definitely made me feel stronger. I like being with myself. I'm a pretty swell gal! ;-) HA!

Now, my next dilemma is that I really want to go and see the Sex & The City movie when it comes out (judge me if you want to - I like that show - not the nasty parts, but their friendships and funny stories - love it!). My dilemma is that I don't know anyone here in Indiana who would go and see this movie with me! If anyone is out there, let me know! It may just be a bit too depressing for me to see this chick friendship movie by myself! But who knows! Oh well! Nitey-Nite!

Theo's New Gator!

Oh my word! Theo got his very own "vehicle" last week. His very own gator! He has been loving this and loves to drive Josie all around the backyard! ;-) They are very cute in it!

Saturday Night Fever!

I've been meaning to post this video for the last few weeks! This is of Madeline & Josie the day we celebrated Josie's birthday, putting on a dance for us. It was so cute! Madeline is quite the choreographer!

My Sweet Boy

Well, it finally happened. The day I dreaded came. I was counseled by my pastor to wait to talk with Theo about what has been happening until he asked me about it. So I've been waiting and wondering. Yesterday it came. We were driving home from school and passed a pet store. On the outside are big pictures of fish and Theo saw them and said, Mom, can we get a fish? (He's been asking for some sort of pet for the last month.) I said, well not today, but hopefully in the next few weeks. We need an aquarium first. So then he said, Well, can you buy Daddy a fish? I said if Daddy wants a fish, I'm sure he'll buy one. He said, I want to have a fish at Daddy's too. Will you please buy him a fish? I said, We'll buy one for our house and if daddy wants one for his house, he can buy one. He said, don't you want to buy him gifts anymore? I wasn't sure exactly how to answer that, so I just said, well, daddy has his own money now and mommy has her own money now and I probably won't be able to buy daddy a gift anymore. He said, What about at Christmas? Aren't you going to buy him Christmas gifts? I said, I'll take you and Josie out shopping and help you each buy a gift for Daddy at Christmas. (this is for the kids sake, by the way, not Kenneth's) So he said, well doesn't daddy love you anymore? (here we go) I said, Well, Theo, no. Daddy doesn't love me anymore. He said, Why not? I said, well, that's just his decision, but he still loves you and Josie very much. He started to cry which made me start to cry, and he said, Mommy, I'm so sad for you that Daddy doesn't love you anymore. I said, thank you, Theo, that is so sweet. I love you. He said, does this mean you are getting a divorce? I said, yes Theo. We are. He said, Why? I said, well Theo, that's what your daddy wants, but he still wants you and Josie very much, he just doesn't want to be married to me anymore. He cried some more and said, are you going to get remarried? I said maybe someday Theo, but even if I do it won't be for a long time. Then he said, I want you to get remarried. You need a husband. I'm so sad for you that you don't have a husband. This made me cry even more because he seems to only be crying for me! How did I get so blessed with such a wonderful, sensitive child? He is the sweetest kid around! I love him! I said, well you know how I've been telling you that God is our Father and He is always there for us, and protects and loves us like a father and will never leave us? Well, the Bible also says the He is a husband to the husband-less, so I'm okay, Theo. God is taking care of me, just like He's taking care of you. He seemed to perk up a bit then. I also went on to tell him that it was okay to be sad or angry, but to not let it overwhelm him. That he could talk to me about anything and that I would always be here for him to talk to. And I told him that we are going to be okay! That we have a great home with Grammy & Granddad and how we all love each other and I reiterated that Kenneth loves him too. Then Theo said, Mommy, I don't think God's too happy about Daddy's decision. I said, you are right Theo. So then he said, Why did Daddy make such a bad decision? I said, well we all make mistake and bad decisions sometimes, don't we? (I felt at a loss for that last one, because I don't want to be bad-mouthing Kenneth, but I'm also not going to lie to him if he asks who made the decision!) So this was a conversation that I never ever wanted to have to have with my five year old little boy!

Well, Kenneth has the kids tonight and I've already heard from him, through text message, about how he had to do damage control since I said some misleading things to the kids. He is just going to really confuse them! What makes me mad is that this is what HE wanted. Not me. But he wants things to be all fine and they just can't be with that decision. Divorce is ugly. It is against God's will, and there are consequences with that choice. He has been telling the kids all along, apparently, that sometimes mommies & daddies live apart from each other and that's okay. I'm sorry, but that is not okay! And I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that it is! But, I'm telling you what, I am so determined to give them the best and most normal life they can have. And I will be teaching them what the Bible says, not the "bible according to kenneth." So there. Did I also mention that he introduced his girlfriend to them? Good old Chelsae has been with them the last three times he's had them! That's a good decision, huh? Ugh.

But I will not end on a sour note, I will end on a Bible verse, because I need to hear one right now! "Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ's sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy." - I Peter 4:12,13

Bye Bye Administration Blvd!

Well, here I am again, really late at night and I just spent the last few hours after my kids went to bed cleaning at my rental house. And hooray! I finished! Spic & Span clean! Looks pretty spiffy if I do say so myself! In many ways I am very relieved to say good-bye to this house. It's been sitting there un-lived in for many months, and I have some pretty bad memories from the last 2 months I lived there. But it's also sad for me to say good-bye to it. We did have good memories in it too. The kids loved living there and loved having rooms upstairs! They had a play room and we spent so many hours doing art projects at the kitchen table! Wednesday nights were family pizza nights, Tuesday mornings Kenneth used to bring me pumpkin cheesecake muffins and a carmel macchiato for breakfast, Thursday nights were Grammy nights and Grammy would come over for dinner and after dinner she would read books to the kids and they would play. As I was cleaning the upstairs bathroom I found the remains of a lock of Theo's hair from his last haircut there, and in his room some remains of silly-string from his birthday party. I remembered Fourth of July there and how we walked to hear the symphony down the street and then to get ice cream and then down our street to watch the fireworks on the lake. I remember one night that Kenneth & I were lying in bed, each of us with our laptops playing Text-Twist (an online word game) and laughing and helping each other out and seeing how long we could get the games to continue. I remembered how whenever I couldn't find Josie for a while, she was always up in her closet trying all of her clothes on because she could reach everything in her "Josie-sized" closet. I remembered trick-or-treating on the island and how much fun the kids had and how the wind was so strong off of the lake. It looked really cute in Christmas lights! There were good memories, which makes it that much more sad. I attached some photos in tribute of the house that was our home, if even for a short time.

Calgon Take Me Away!

I'm tired. But only my body is tired, not my brain, so I can't go to sleep right now, so here I am! After a busy day of Gymnastics lessons, Swim lessons, lunch and playing at McDonalds, paying bills, running errands, going grocery shopping and all the while taking care of two very active, very TALKATIVE kids, (did I stress talkative enough?) I got them both to bed and then headed down to the rental house that will officially not be mine as of April 30th. YAY! I spent the evening cleaning. It was a good workout! (trying to look on the positive side of things) I got a lot accomplished down there and if I do say so myself, it looks better than when I moved in! The claw-foot bathtub in the main bathroom is like a thousand years old (slight exaggeration), and is stained and all, so I just figured I'd do my best to get it as clean as I could, but I must say that it is cleaner than I thought was possible! Apparently while we were living there, I was using the wrong product on it, because tonight I used Lime-Away, and almost all of the stains vanished! I love that! Those of you that know me well, know that I don't enjoy cleaning, but I do love it when things are clean, and the end result is worth the effort.

This really wasn't a very exciting post, but hey, it's the best I could come up with right now! So back off! ;-) Just kidding! Tee-Hee!

I Heart Surveys! (And I'm Bored)

1. What bill do you hate paying the most? Whichever one costs the most!

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner? Biaggi's for my anniversary in October with a man who, unbeknownst to me, would be cheating on me later that night! ARRGGHH!

4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be? Hmm - so many to choose from, but just for fun, let's say that I wouldn't have believed my sister when I was 12 or 13 that all women shaved their arms. Big mistake.

5. Name of your second grade teacher? Mrs. Eckle. She was one of my favorite teachers!

6. What do you really want to be doing right now? Laying on the white powdery sands of St. John.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up? A wife and mom. (also at one point a Broadway actress ;-)

8. How many colleges did you attend? 1

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now? Well, it's actually cold today so I'm wearing my black sweater so that I can get one more use out of it this year!

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would it be? To Tennessee with my kids!

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning? My alarm was Theo coming in to tell me that he was all alone and needed some company in the living room. My first thought was probably, I wish that kids had a snooze button.

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night? Sadly, I cried myself to sleep last night because I was feeling very lonely. (but don't feel sorry for me - I'm ok)

14.What do you miss about being a child? Not having responsibilities - summer vacations. Making up silly stories with Jennifer on the tape recorder! ;-) Going to sleepovers and staying up all night giggling with your friends!

16. What errand/chore do you despise? How much room do I have? Probably the two things I hate the most are dusting and vacuuming. Although I love the way it looks when it gets done.

17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer? Absolutely!!!

18. Get up early or sleep in? Both. I like to sleep in, but I also don't like to waste my morning.

19. What is your favorite cartoon character? Currently I would say Franny from Franny's Feet - a show the kids watch on PBS. Also love Little Bill and Scooby Doo.

20. Favorite thing to do at night with a girl/guy? Oh my! (giggle) HA! I would say talking and hanging out.

21. When did you start feeling old? Who says I feel old? Do I look old to you? ;-)

22. Your favorite lunch meat? Ham

23. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart? Pull-Ups

24. Beach or lake? Beach.

25. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual? Not at all. I wish people took their commitments more seriously! A Godly Marriage is an Awesome Marriage!

26. Do you own property? Used to.

27. Favorite Guilty pleasure? Coffee Drinks

28. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out? If I told you I'd have to kill you. :-) Probably my favorite movie that no one else in the world gets is "Somewhere In Time".

30. What's your drink? Coffee & Diet Coke

31. Cowboys or Indians? The correct term is Native Americans and I would choose Native Americans!

32. Cops or Robbers? I guess Cops. But not the TV show.

33. Who from high school would you like to run in to? I actually DID run into my good friend, Carrie from high school tonight! And I'm so glad I did! The wildest part is that I was at her daughter's high school play! How did we get so old? OH Wait! I'm NOT old! - I already said that! Now I'm contradicting myself!

34. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now? Pulse FM? It's a Christian station from South Bend.

35. Grey's Anatomy or The Office? The Office definitely! I have issues with Grey's Anatomy.

36. Worst relationship mistake you wish you could take back? I'm not sure I could answer that one right now! Yikes!

37. Indoors or Outdoors? Both. I love to be outdoors and enjoy the fresh air, but when it's extremely hot or extremely cold out, or stormy, I would definitely rather be inside!!!

38. Have you ever crashed your vehicle? Yes. The very day I got my driver's license!

39. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose? I haven't, but I was there when Rachel did. Junior year at Grace when Emilie and I burnt down our dorm room!

40. Last book you read? "Live, Laugh, and Love Again"

41. Do you have a teddy bear? Nope. Theo has a special animal he sleeps with - a lion. But not I!

42. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth? Define strange. I've brushed my teeth in the shower?

43. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go? San Francisco

44. Do you go to church? Regularly

45. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship? Do I have a choice in this matter?

46. How long have you been out of school? college - 14 years. high school - 18 years.