Things Aren't Always What They Seem

I've had a frustrating past few weeks. But I'm not going to dwell on that. But I do want to vent just a bit, and then move on.

Okay, so Kenneth wrote a letter of apology to Strong Tower and Pastor Williamson read it to the congregation. I am now getting messages from church family saying things like, "Praise God that Kenneth has come back to the Lord!" or "I hear that you and Kenneth are getting back together! So glad!" or "Our prayers have been answered that Kenneth is making things right with you!" Well, I do not know how to respond to any of these since I haven't seen any change in his life and the only apology I've gotten from him was months ago over text messaging. And even then the only apology was that he was sorry that I got hurt from finding out about his affair. Not exactly a glowing heart-felt apology. I am supposed to go the Strong Tower women's conference in a few weeks and I am now NOT looking forward to it as much as I was before. I am thrilled to see my friends but I am so dreading people coming up and saying things like those listed above! And I'm trying to hard to be nice. I haven't said anything back to anyone. It would probably not come across very well if I said, "Huh! Yeah right!" or "Maybe Kenneth should tell me that we're getting back together because I didn't hear that." In truth, Kenneth & Chelsae are back together and are currently "working on their relationship" right now. And things continue to come out about Kenneth that I can't even write about. But it's very frustrating that he has so many innocent people fooled.

Okay - enough. Here is some good news. I was expecting to have to wait until Spring of 2010 to do my student teaching, but found out this past week that I will indeed be student teaching Fall of 2009! That means that I will be finished with school in December, 2009! Praise the Lord! I will be finding out in the next few weeks who I will be student teaching with and what grade. I requested Kindergarten or 1st grade. So here's hoping!

Another bit of good news. In January when the divorce was final, I applied for state health care and food stamps. I figured that while I was in school this was a good time to use these things until I graduate and work full time again. Thankfully, I got approved and have been happily using my food stamp debit card for groceries for the past month and got insurance card for the kids and I. Yesterday I took all three of us to the doctor since we've all been under the weather. Three doctor's appointment and three prescriptions later, we paid absolutely nothing! Praise the Lord!!! What a blessing!

I had something sad and a bit scary happen in class today. The sweet and funny young man who sits next to me in Instructional Methods & Materials had a seizure during class today. He fell out of his chair in my direction and luckily I moved my desk in time before he could hit his head. His seizure lasted a long time and we had to clear all of the desks out of the way. I felt so sorry for him, I was trying not to get teary. Security and first response was called and then an ambulance because 20 minutes later, he was still unconscious. When they left with him, his breathing had stabilized, but he still didn't know what was going on. I hate that people have to deal with that. What if that happened while he was driving? Actually, now that I think about it, I'm not sure he's allowed to drive. He may have mentioned that before because he's asked for prayer about his seizures before. If you think about him, please say a prayer for Benson. By the way, I was really impressed by the other students in my class. One of the boys prayed over him right away and then we all went into another room to pray together for him. Very sweet kids in my class.

"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." - John 14:27

Post # 124

I couldn't think of a more interesting name for this post than what number it was. Sorry! It's 1:30 in the morning. Why in the world am I still awake? Well, I just spent the past 2 hours reading my old blogs from when I first started this blog in Feb, 2008. Is was encouraging to see how far I've come in the healing process! I was also discouraged that I have not been devouring The Bible the way I did when my whole mess started. What a good challenge for me and a wake-up call. Just because things are easier for me now emotionally does not mean that I don't need His Word just as much today! Actually, things are not always easy emotionally still, but just in other ways and situations. Anyway, I'm going to bed now, but felt compelled to write that to hold me accountable.

New Post!

Don't get too excited. I really don't have anything to say, I just got tired of the fact that Drama Mama was still the first post on my blog. And is it just my screen or has blogger increased their font size to accommodate the blind? It's like the large print edition!

Life is going along. Kids are good. The other day Josie was running and running and running outside and then came up to me and said, "Oh Mama, my heart is out of gas!" She has been walking around singing the song "Fabulous" from High School Musical 2. Very funny. Theo is smart and goofy and loves Lego sets right now. He climbed a tree in the little woods today (that's what we call the woods that are next to the house) and got stuck. He went up really high! Luckily with some coaxing he was able to come back down. Another silly thing he said the other day - My dad was driving with him and there was a new sign down the street that was pointed our direction and it said Affordable Storage. He read the sign and asked if that was a sign for Aunt Nora's house. We have all of our stuff stored in Aunt Nora's basement. She truly is Affordable Storage! Thank you Aunt Nora! :-)

Tomorrow night is Theo's school carnival. Yahoo! I think he's looking forward to it, so I'm sure it will be fun. We will have mother-son time, and that is always fun. I love that he still thinks I'm the coolest mom in the world. I know eventually he won't be saying that anymore, so for now, I will soak it up!!!

Mid-terms went well! I actually got a 100% on my classroom management mid-term. I wanted to take it home and put it on the fridge! I need to make a magnet that says, "Look what Cathy did today!" Can't believe how fast the semester is going!

Well, love you all!!!!! I'll try to write more soon!

Drama, Mama!

As long as Kenneth will be in my life, which is inevitable since we have children together, there will be drama. Unwanted drama. This week was no exception. He picked up the kids on Tuesday after school for his weekly time with them. Usually he keeps them until Wednesday afternoon. This past Wednesday I get a call from him at approximately 10:10 in the morning saying that there is some drama at his apartment with Chelsae and he needs me to come pick up the kids right away. Well, I hopped in the car and jetted across town to get them. Got to his apartment and knocked on the door. He lets me in and Chelsae and baby Ella are there in the living room and Chelsae is crying. The kids are all excited to see me and are getting their coats and shoes and suitcase. Josie says to me, "Mommy, aren't you gonna say hi to Chelsae?" So I say, "Yes. Hi Chelsae." She says hi and says she's sorry about all of this. Craziness. So I get the kids. When I get the kids in the car, Kenneth says he's sorry and that he had broken up with Chelsae a month or more ago and that she won't leave him alone and sort of demanded her way in today. Well, I think they are both psychotic. I won't go into all of the drama, but Kenneth told me that next week he was taking the kids to a hotel and not telling Chelsae where they are so she won't bother them. Of course he would figure out a dramatic solution, but it does make me feel better that they won't all be together. Theo says that they yell at each other a lot. That's just great. You guys can't control yourselves for 24 hours? I felt sorry for Chelsae. Honestly, it was a bit painful to leave her there knowing that he was going to go up there and cuss her out. I've been there before and know what kind of hell he can unleash when he's angry, and I never pushed him as far as she has. And poor baby Ella! Who, by the way, looks shockingly like Josie did at that age. That's kind of bizarre. And it kind of creeps me out that she could have a baby that looks so much like mine. But, Josie did look a lot like Kenneth at that age. So, anyway, craziness!!!! And I know with Kenneth's affinity for drama, this will continue. Stinks that my children have to be involved in all of his dramatics!

That's Life

Well, life is just going on, whether I want it to or not! But life is good. Classes are hectic. The schedule this semester is not extremely ideal, but I'm making it work. The homework is intense and non-stop, but somehow it's getting finished on time. This weekend was a tough one with my kids. It seems that time was due for them to try to challenge everything I said to them so the weekend had lots of spankings, lots of vinegar, lots of time outs, lots of "no more tv", and lots of tears and whining that life stunk. Luckily, I was not the one crying or saying life stunk. Because this is life. Whether we like it that way or not. And how can I complain when I am so blessed? But the weekend was not all bad. I had some nice quality time with the kids too and some interesting deep conversations with Theo about God and heaven and hell. He understands so much and asked a few questions that I did not know the answer to, nor had ever contemplated. Maybe someone out there could help me with this one. Here is the question - If Jesus is going to come down to defeat Satan someday, will there still be a hell after that? How could hell exist without Satan? Of course, I initially was like, sure there will still be a hell, but then thought, Huh? That was a good question! A little help please?

Schoolgirl!

Well, I'm back into the swing of things. Sort of... I've found that I don't feel as motivated as last semester. But no worries - I'm definitely motivated to doing my best. Just not as enthusiastic about it, I guess. Today one of my classes was cancelled, as my professor was ill. It was a nice break, and I probably would have been late to it anyway, so that was a relief! It takes longer than 8 minutes to leave the library and get into my 3rd floor classroom at Mount Memorial. I was a bit panicked about being late, so when I saw a classmate who told me the class was cancelled, I was able to slow down a bit. Phew!

By the way, who ever heard of breaking into small groups for discussion and a short presentation on the first day of class??? My 8:00 am class on Wednesday did this! I didn't really know anyone, but luckily everyone seemed as flustered as I was, and I ended up in a nice group of 5. I felt like the nerdy older student, because I kind of started discussing right away to get the group going.

Okay - here is something I must vent about. There is a lady in one of my classes whom I got to know last semester. She is a few years older than me and really nice, but I think is missing what I like to call "social graces." She's lived on a farm for years and maybe has gotten desensitized to what us "non-farm" people like to hear about. I've heard so many disgusting farm stories, she's lucky I did not vomit on her plaid book bag! So, today we are walking over to the library together. It was nice to have company, although after a few minutes into the conversation, I wished that my company was my ipod. She proceeded to tell me all about how she had gone over to her dad and step mom's to check on their horse who was sick. I will not go much further in the story except to say that I ended up with a (unwanted) description of the horse's autopsy once it had died. Thank the Lord above for fresh, crisp air outside as we walked which kept me from tossing the old cookies! God bless this gal. Apparently she thinks I've got a strong stomach.

Back to School!

Well, after a very long, but nice, Christmas vacation, it is time to go back to school. I start tomorrow and I'm a bit nervous. It's always hard to think about starting over with new classes and profs and students. I was pretty comfortable with my classes last semester, but then it was new and nerve-racking in the beginning too, so I'm sure after a few weeks, this semester will feel normal again. The one nice thing that helped me last semester was knowing two of my professors personally. I do know 4 of my professors this semester, but not quite the way I knew these other two. They made me feel so much more comfortable since I had a friendship with them. I'm also a bit nervous about taking Global Perspectives. This is a Gen Ed class that has been added in the last few years so is now a requirement for graduation. Part of the requirement is a cross-cultural experience, and now they are recommending going overseas for a week or two. That's nice and all, but being a single mom with young kids, I just don't see that happening. My mom thinks they will be flexible with me, so we'll just have to pray that that is the case.

Well, I've gotta run, but wanted to write something today to keep updated! Love you all!

All Over

Well, Tuesday was the final court hearing for the divorce. I guess as far as divorces go, it went pretty well. I've never done it before and never will again, so that's it. That's the last time I'll ever go to court for a divorce. I'm not going to say that I'll never go to court again, because I don't know what the future holds, but I will NOT be going back for another divorce.

It was strange how "easy" getting a divorce was. I guess it's like getting married. It seems like it should be harder to get married. I mean all you do is go to the courthouse and get a license. No one asks you if you a sane, responsible person. Anyone can get married. There should be a session with lie detector tests for each person. That would take care of a lot of problems right there. Because I thought I knew everything about Kenneth when we got married, but soon found out what I knew was a show. An act. I'm not saying every moment of our marriage was terrible, but I can say that I knew what it felt like to be in a loveless marriage after a few years. That's worse than any alone I've ever felt.

You know what is incredibly ironic? In court on Tuesday, the judge came in and had Kenneth and I swear in to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and you know what we had to say in response? I do. Pretty ironic that the words that began our marriage were the same words that ended it.

I have many wonderful friends here, and two of my good friends, Katie & Nicki, wanted to come with the me to the courthouse. Nicki ended up not being able to come. Which was probably a better choice than being arrested for child neglect if she left her children alone in their house. :-) So, good choice, Nicki! Katie came with me and was a total life-saver. I'm so thankful I had a friend with me. When we got to the courthouse waiting room, Kenneth was already there and it was just him and us. Talk about uncomfortable. He never acknowledged me the entire time we were there. Where he was seated, we could either sit and face him or not, so we chose not to face him, of course, but he could watch us and sat and listened to our conversations (which he admitted to me later). But I didn't care. To have such a good friend with me gave me strength and courage. Eventually, at least an hour later, Kenneth's attorney came out and got him and there is no other word to describe this guy than cocky. Okay, I can think of some other words, but I'm trying to keep this clean! ;-) My attorney came out a few minutes later to get me. I'm so blessed that I have such an awesome attorney. She has told me "off the record" more than once that she really likes and me and really really wants the best for me. That's a good feeling. She was very professional and took charge of everything.

I didn't have to say much, except of course, I do. But I also had to say out loud that I did not contest the divorce that Kenneth filed for. They asked me if I thought this decision was in my best interest and I said that it was. Kenneth looked incredibly depressed and sad the whole time. I didn't feel sorry for him, because this was his choice, but I was glad that he at least felt the seriousness of the situation.

When it was over, I felt relief and freedom mixed with sadness. Not necessarily sadness over Kenneth, but where my life had led to. The day was surreal. A day I never, in all my life, thought I'd see. So here I am, a divorcee'. A title I never thought I'd have. (Doesn't it sound kind of risque'? - I'm scandalous)

Moving on, I really just wanted to write all that down because I needed to, but honestly and truly, I am happy. I'm relieved it's over and feel like I can more easily move on with my life. I'm excited about what's out there ahead of me! Graduating from college, watching my children grow in God, building a house of my own, getting a teaching job, and maybe finding love. Who knows that the future holds? Only God. I'm just going to keep trusting Him to keep holding me in His hands.

Happy New Year!

Here's to 2009! A much better year than 2008! I am looking forward to school starting again, believe it or not. I am feeling very tired of being around the house so much! I need interaction! And so do the kiddos! I've been doing some re-organizing and a lot of reading. I'm a bit obsessed with the Twilight book series. They are so well-written and totally pull you in. I purposefully did not start reading them until vacation.

Well, I'll have more to update later this week, but there is a current date of this coming Tuesday, January 6th @ 2:00 pm as the final date for the divorce. I have to go to court that day, but my attorney thinks it will pretty much just be deliberation, so I'm not too nervous. Honestly, it's been so over for so long that it almost seems strange to have to go to court. I've moved on. It's like an after thought!

Well, I don't have much to say right now, but I'll try to write more soon!
Happy New Year!