So Much To Say

I have had so much to say over the last week that I've not been able to sit down and post because I have not been able to process and collect all of my thoughts. As I've been going through a book and re-reading a book on the five stages of grief through the eyes of divorce, I must confess that I've been in the depression stage. Reality is so strong and I have been so sad. Particularly since the court date. How could this be happening to me? To my children? This happens to other people, not me. It's overwhelming. The amusing part in the book is that when it begins the chapter on depression, it begins by saying, "Congratulations! The divorce path has now led you steadily down the road and straight into the pit stop called Depression. (We say congratulations, because you truly are getting closer and closer to becoming healed. It just doesn't feel like it yet!)" So there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The last stage is Acceptance, and while I've been reading that chapter and feel like I have moments of acceptance, I must say that I am not quite there yet. The tricky part is that I feel like every day is a roller coaster of all of the stages of grief. At some points of each day I still feel shock, denial, anger, depression, and acceptance.

One of the shocking moments came to me this weekend. For those of you who don't know, our church in Tennessee practices church discipline when need be and seeing as we are technically still members there, the pastors, after much prayer and thought, decided to exercise church discipline with Kenneth if he was unable to show any change. When they tried to reach him he would only respond to them through text messaging (this is the age of cowardice through technology) and in that "conversation" he still places the blame entirely on me for our failed marriage, is not sorry and is unwilling to change. They told him what would be happening this Sunday then, and this is the moment that I thought there may be a slight, even if it's not genuine, change of heart, but no. In the process of church discipline the member is ex-communicated until repentance is professed, so he just said his good-byes to the men in his life who have been the closest to him in his life, the people who have poured into his heart. I can't even imagine. This act of discipline follows Matthew 18: 15-17 which says: "Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector." They have released their hedge of protection around his soul. I asked him yesterday, when he called to accuse me of exaggerating our story, if that bothered him. They would release him to the world - to Satan, and he said, maybe a little, but not much. Who IS this man? He is NOT the man I married, he is NOT the man I wanted to have a family with, he is NOT the man I loved. He is a stranger to me. This morning as Pastor Williamson spoke to the church, Tammy called me so that I could hear it over the cell phone. How unreal. How totally unreal that they could be talking about my husband, me, my family. The words seemed totally unreal. The charges; habitual adultery, abandonment, continuous lying & deceit, and unrepentance.

I have worn my wedding rings all of this time because I feel like it is the right thing to do until our divorce is final. After all, I am still married. But I must say that I really wanted to take them off today. The day was just confirmation that this is real. There is no denying his decision.
And guess what. In the acceptance stage, I must choose to forgive him. I know with God's help I can, and in some ways, I have, but I believe it will be a daily struggle for me.

"Answer me speedily, O Lord;
My spirit fails!
Do not hide Your face from me,
Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.
Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,
For in You do I trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,
For I lift up my soul to You."
-Psalm 143: 7-8

I'm sorry if my thoughts seem scattered today, but that is how I feel. Scattered.